Satan's Toaster

Dear Readers,

My parents got a new toaster this week. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the old one; it was just 30 years old. The new toaster is computer-controlled. It has special buttons for pastries, bagels and frozen bread. If I wanted to toast frozen bread in the old toaster, I could, without pissing it off. If I try to toast frozen bread on the “normal” setting in the new toaster, the digital display instructs me to press the “frozen” button. What I don’t get is this: if the toaster is smart enough to know that I’m trying to toast frozen bread, why the hell doesn’t it push the “frozen” button for me?!? Next thing you know, the kitchen sink will be harassing me because I left the water running. Of course, it would never think to turn itself off. Piece of shit!

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan