Vienna Sausages are Fucking Disgusting!

Dear Readers,

Upon returning from a recent vacation in Washington State, my parents presented me with many American foodstuffs, including, but not limited to, a 5 oz can of "Vienna Sausage". Initially I wondered if the people of Vienna, Austria would eat such a thing (because it looked quite trailer park-ish). I am now certain that the only Austrians who would ever actually eat this Wal-Mart brand of Vienna Sausage are those with surgically-implanted stomach shunts, and who therefore don't have to taste it.

The ingredients list reads something like J. S. Buchanan's list of things he would not eat for less than $20. Between the mechanically-separated chicken, and the Sodium Nitrate, are a few edible ingredients, such as salt and mustard, but that's about all the good news I've got.

The can contained 7 of these tiny hot dogs, and if you were to eat the entire lot, such as I just did, you would be injesting 48% of the recommended daily intake of fat (including 54% of the daily recommended intake of saturated fat), %40 of the recommended daily intake of cholesterol, and 49% of the recommended daily intake of Sodium.

My conclusion is that "Inspected for Wholesomeness by U.S. Department of Agriculture" does not in any way, shape, or form, imply a guarantee of tastiness, because honestly, I have eaten dog food that was signifcantly better-tasting than this shit.

My second and most important conlusion is that no one who has the ability to ingest food through their mouth should even think about consuming a can of Vienna Sausage any time soon.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Good Reading...

Dear Readers,

In this post I will tell you about two very good books that I think you should read. If you are illiterate, you may just want to skip over this part.

Both of these "very good books" are by Australian author Max Barry. Max's debut novel, Syrup, was released in 1999 but was not read by me until 2004, just after I finished reading his second novel, Jennifer Government, which came out in 2003.

Syrup's dust jacket reads as follows: Scat wants to be rich, shallow, and famous, so when he gets a million-dollar idea for a new soda, he realizes it's his ticket to movie premieres and vacuous, drink-slurred lunches with celebrities. But first he has to deal with 6, a street-smart, miniskirt-wearing corporate assassin, who is possibly the love of Scat's life or possibly just ripping him off. Then there's Sneaky Pete, marketing genius, refugee from Tokyo, and Scat's best friend, —at least as far as Scat knows.

I thought this book kicked a whole load of ass. It was jam-packed with corporate espionage with many hilarious twists. I love it when books makeunapologeticc fun of big corporations (Coca-Cola in the case of this book).

Syrup was, and is to this day, the only book in excess of 200 pages that I have successfully read in one sitting. Whether this means the book was good, or my ADD is going away, I'm not sure. Definitely worth the read.

Jennifer Government also kicked a whole load of ass. Its dust-jacket is as follows: Welcome to paradise! The world is run by American corporations (except for a few deluded holdouts like the French); taxes are illegal; employees take the last names of the companies they work for; the Police and the NRA are publicly-traded security firms; and the U.S. government only investigates crimes it can bill for. Hack Nike is a Merchandising Officer who discovers an all-new way to sell sneakers. Buy Mitsui is a stockbroker with a death-wish. Billy NRA is finding out that life in a private army isn't all snappy uniforms and code names. And Jennifer Government, a legendary agent with a barcode tattoo, is the consumer watchdog from hell.

I enjoyed this book immensely. It was crazy to imagine living in a world where you have to pay the Police up-front before they'll investigate a crime. Which are better, McDonald's-run schools, or Burger King-run schools? Crazy, I tell ya.

Max Barry, the authour, has a pretty sweet website at http://www.maxbarry.com. His bio reads like this: Max Barry is an Australian, for which he apologizes. He is the authour of the cult hit Syrup, although he spelled his name "Maxx" for that novel, "because it seemed like a funny joke about marketing, and I failed to realize everyone would assume I was a pretentious asshole." He was born on March 18, 1973, and lives in Melbourne, Australia, where he writes full-time, the advantage being that he can do it while wearing boxer shorts.

Max's latest novel, Company, is due out on January 17, 2006. If you've never read his work, please do.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Why in the Wild...

Dear Readers,

The notebook is wet. Its pages are molested by the unrelenting midnight rain. I weep silently for it; whatever secrets were held within will now never see the light of another dawn.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Fat Men, Al, and Chip Cleaner...

Dear Readers,

The following is a poem that my friends and I wrote in a Grade 9 English class in 1999. I hope you enjoy it!

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Fat Men, Al, and Chip Cleaner.
By Matt Dean, Haroon Iqbal, and James Scott Buchanan.

The casino is dark and quiet.
All the compulsive gamblers have gone home.
The cards are lonely.

The ghost children close in,
wavering silently,
looking for trouble.

The security cameras spin maniacally,
They are broken.

The smell of whiskey is in the air.
Unmarked cars pull up.
Fat doughnut eaters sit silently,
watching, waiting.

The children move toward the craps table.
The ghost dealer hands out $500 chips.

The first ghost child throws the dice,
Snake Eyes!
“You lose”, calls the dealer.

Billy, the head ghost child, pulls out the fire axe that he had hidden in his pants.
Al, the dealer, screams like a girlish monkey.

Billy chops off Al’s head.
The children steal the fat men’s doughnuts and run off into the night.

The End.

City Hall is a Giant Assclown...

Editor's note: The restaurant names in this post have been changed in order to comply with a confidentiality agreement that the assclowns at City Hall made me sign.

Dear Readers,

I am working as a courier for the summer. One of my jobs is to deliver power cutoff notices for the city. A certain restaurant chain (we'll call it "Mr. Blub") seems to have great difficulty remembering to pay its bills. It is for this reason that almost every day, I have to deliver a cutoff notice to at least one Mr. Blub restaurant in the city. Today was no different. Today it was the Sutherland Mr. Blub that didn't pay its bills. I drove to the address listed on the notice and walked up to the Mr. Blub. To my surprise, the restaurant name on the notice was not Mr. Blub, but in fact "Blubway". I have been told many times that if the information on the notice doesn't seem right, I am to call City Hall immediately to make sure it's ok to deliver it. When I phoned City Hall to point out their mistake, I was promptly put on hold... for 17 minutes. At the end of the wait I was asked if I had any white-out with me. When I said that I did, I was asked to white-out the word "Blubway" and write in "Mr. Blub". You'd think they could pull their heads out of their asses long enough to know which restaurant is which. I mean, granted, they both make "blubmarine" sandwiches, but Blubway is clearly superior in taste, and the fact that it actually pays it power bills. From this amazing time-wasting adventure I concluded once and for all that City Hall is just one giant assclown.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Check Up or Check Out...

Dear Readers,

In light of criticism from my sister (something along the lines of "it's not your place to comment on women's health issues.") I have decided to write a post about men's health issues.

For the sake of this post, I have assembled a "Top 9 List of Male Health Problems". The list is as follows:

9. Skin Cancer - Both men and women should conduct monthly self-exams to check for skin cancer. Check all parts of the body for new growths and skin changes. Most people have dark spots on their skin including moles, freckles and birthmarks. Most of these spots are normal but some may be skin cancer. Spots that are very large, or have an uneven border or colour should be checked by a doctor as soon as possible. Other warning signs include spots that are asymmetrical or ones that grow or change rapidly.

8. Testicular Cancer - Tom Green, comedian and survivor of testicular cancer has this to say: "Hey kids rub your balls, squeeze your balls, please your balls. Please feel your balls every day so you don't get cancer!" Tom's right, regular self-examinations are the key. Feel your balls carefully with your fingertips, if you feel any lumps, or anything else that doesn't seem like it should be there, go to the doctor. It's all fun and games until someone loses a nut.

7. Dental Problems - Many doctors agree that oral health is an excellent indicator of overall health. Go to the Dentist at least once a year. Brush your teeth at least twice a day with a fluoride toothpaste. Floss daily. For tips on how to brush and floss properly (yes, there is a "proper" way), visit http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_body/take_care/teeth.html.

6. Prostate Cancer - Prostate problems include inflammation, enlargement, and cancer. Prostate cancer is the most deadly cancer for men in North America. Men over the age of 45 should go for a prostate-specific antigen (PSA) blood test and digital rectal exam (DRE) once a year. Pooping is fun, but not if you have prostate cancer. For more information on prostate health, visit http://www.prostate.com.

5. Colorectal Cancer - Cancer of the bum sucks, as it makes pooping very painful and can also cause death. Bloody poop, diarrhea, and constipation are just some of the early warning signs of colorectal cancer. Screening for this type of cancer includes the "poop on paper" test, and the anal Pap smear. Talk to your doctor.

4. Sexually Transmitted Infections - It is ironic how a night of pleasure can result in a lifetime of pain, or worse. Don't be a fool, wrap your tool. No glove, no love. Need I say more?

3. Obesity - Diet alone is never enough. Please get active and stay active. There aren't very many good-looking women out there with lard-ass fetishes, go get in shape. Being even a little overweight can lead to many serious health problems.

2. Cholesterol - Remember: LDL is "bad" cholesterol; HDL is "good" cholesterol! Don't mix 'em up.

1. Blood Pressure - Normal rates should be below 120/80 mmHg. Talk to your doctor; Canadian Idol is coming on in 5 minutes and I don't have time to look up information for you.

Take care of yourself, etc.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Wild Wild West...

Dear Readers,

I called 911 this morning. I did so after a woman standing on the corner of Avenue N and 22nd Street pointed a large silver handgun at me. I was just driving along, minding my own business, and then wham! I'm staring down the barrel of something Dirty Harry might use. The 911 dispatcher was all business, "911, what's your emergency". No time for small-talk I guess when the world is counting on you.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

The Trouble with Blogging...

Dear Readers,

The following was taken from a letter that I am currently writing to my semi-ex-girlfriend.

The problem with having a blog (such as mine at http://jsbuchanan.blogspot.com) is that once you have regular readers, they expect you to have something interesting to say every day. It is therefore fortunate that I do not have regular readers.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

I Don't Like Video Games...

Dear Readers,

I am a Gauntlet Adventurer. I strive to improve my living conditions by hoarding gold, food, and sometimes keys and potions. I love adventure, fighting, and particularly winning - especially when there's a prize at stake. I occasionally get lost inside buildings and can't find the exit. I need food badly. What Video Game Character Are You?

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Why Cancer Can't Have Me...

Dear Readers,

I will be spending the day at an indescript cabin beside and indescript lake in an indescript part of Saskatchewan. The lake and surrounding area are reportedly full of mosquitoes, many of which probably carry the "deadly" West-Nile Virus.

Despite the risk, I will not be bringing nor using any DEET-based mosquito repellent whatsoever. This is because at my age and with my current healthfulness, West-Nile Virus poses about as much risk to my health and happiness as a cold or mild flu. The cancer, however, that has been linked to the use of carcinogenic DEET-based repellent is much more frightening. So to the mosquitoes I say "Dinner's ready!".

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Pap Smears for All...

Dear Readers,

On another unrelated note, I really hope that you have been going for an annual Pap smear, because I'd really hate for you to die of cervical cancer. Yes, it's actually something that I worry about.

The above was taken from a letter that I am currently writing to a female friend. I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the importance of regular Pap smears.

Healthcare professionals have different opinions on when a woman should have her first Pap smear. One website I consulted said "You should have your first Pap test within 3 years of the onset of sexual intercourse or at age 21." I then consulted a registered nurse at the Saskatchewan Health Information Line (1-877-800-0002) who said "as soon as a girl has reached child-bearing age she should have a pelvic exam and Pap smear, and then every year afterward. And the best place to go for a Pap smear is your family doctor because he or she will be familiar with your specific medical history including your risk factors for developing cervical cancer which is what the Pap smear is designed to detect." I am inclined to agree with the nurse, who sounded like she had her shit together. Other places to go for a Pap smear include the gynecologist and the Sexual Health Clinic.

If you're not familiar with a pap smear, it involves a doctor inserting a speculum (a clear L-shaped plastic device with a small light inside) into the vagina and then using a long narrow stick resembling a Q-tip to take a small sample of cells from the cervix. The sample is then analyzed in a lab to look for cancer. All the women that I've talked to have said that the procedure is quick and painless, although slightly uncomfortable.

A woman's risk of developing cervical cancer may depend upon several factors including age, sexual experience, and family medical history. Every woman has some level of risk and a regular Pap smear is therefore vitally important. Early detection, as with most cancers, is the key to eliminating cervical cancer mortality. Get smeared today!

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Why Abortion is Moral...

Dear Readers,

Why Abortion is Moral

All of the arguments against abortion boil down to six specific questions. The first five deal with the nature of the zygote-embryo-fetus growing inside a mother's womb. The last one looks at the morality of the practice. These questions are:

1. Is it alive?
2. Is it human?
3. Is it a person?
4. Is it physically independent?
5. Does it have human rights?
6. Is abortion murder?


Read the rest, click the link above. Thanks to oxynova.com for bringing this article to my attention.

Peace & Love
J. S. Buchanan

The Licence Plate Slogans of Canada...

Dear Readers,

[Manitoba RCMP Constable Dennis] Strongquill waved down a black four-wheel-drive pickup truck with Alberta plates when it did not dim its high beams. The truck opened fire and Strongquill, the father of six children, was fatally shot. Report Newsmagazine Feb. 4, 2002.

“Friendly Manitoba”, a reassuring licence plate slogan. The same “Friendly Manitoba” where 52-year-old Dennis Strongquill was gunned down by a deranged parolee. Perhaps, “Gun-toting Manitoba”, would be a more helpful slogan. And perhaps Nova Scotia is more of a tar-coated garbage dump than an “Ocean Playground”, as its plate’s slogan would suggest. Whether you yearn to discover Ontario, or “Explore Canada’s Arctic” in the Northwest Territories or Nunavut, you can certainly do so without these annoying, and often misleading, licence plate slogans.

Quebec’s licence plate slogan, “Je me souviens—I remember” is supposed to make reference to the quote, “I remember that I was born under the lily of France but raised under the rose of England.” Few Quebecers, however, even remember what they are supposed to be remembering. In a recent telephone survey, some Quebecers thought that “Je me souviens” was talking about good times had at the Quebec Winter Carnival. One lifetime resident of Quebec thought that “Je me souviens” meant that the law would remember if someone was caught drinking and driving. Clearly Quebec’s licence plate slogan has little relevance in today’s Quebec. Furthermore, “Je me souviens” is understood by very few people outside of Quebec, thus doing a poor job of promoting the province.

When I lie on the soft Saskatchewan ground and stare up at the big Saskatchewan Sky I often see clouds. Very few, if any, of these clouds are alive. Saskatchewan’s clouds often move, and sometimes look like frogs and elephants, but they are most definitely not alive. It is because of the non-living properties of clouds and the sky in general that I would like to challenge Saskatchewan’s licence plate slogan, “Land of Living Skies”. I would, furthermore, like to suggest, “Land of Moving Clouds”, and, “Big Sky Country”, as possible replacements for the current biologically impossible slogan. I wish to justify my second slogan suggestion by saying, “Our sky is bigger than Montana’s sky.” It is also noteworthy that most of Saskatchewan does not generally have any great displays of the northern lights. The aurora borealis capital of the world is Churchill, Manitoba.

The licence plate slogan of the mighty province of New Brunswick is simply, “Conservation”. What the heck is that supposed to mean? Am I to assume that conservation is what New Brunswick is all about? Or, perhaps “conservation” is New Brunswick’s premier’s second favourite word, next to “spatula”, which would make even less sense on a licence plate. I would take The Yukon’s, “The Klondike” over “Conservation” any day. Which brings me to my next point, The Yukon. The last time I checked, The Yukon was not the Klondike. The Klondike, as I understand it, is a geographical region within The Yukon. “The Klondike” is also sometimes used to label a period of time immediately following the discovery of gold in the Klondike. Another grade “A” stupid licence plate slogan.

I don’t have any real beef with the slogans of British Columbia, The Northwest Territories, Prince Edward Island, or Nunavut. “Beautiful British Columbia”, “Explore Canada’s Arctic”, “Birthplace of Confederation”, and, “Explore Canada’s Arctic”, the respective slogans of the aforementioned provinces, although boring and mundane, are mostly accurate.

It is already blatantly obvious, without a licence plate telling me, that Ontario, and any other Canadian province for that matter, is mine to discover. “Shut up, you annoyingly obvious piece of junk! Discover this! (Whack!)”. Most Canadian licence plate slogans are stupid and inaccurate. The governing body of every province with a stupid licence plate slogan needs to take a long hard look at what their province’s licence plate actually says, and change it, ‘cause it’s stupid.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Enter Blogstrong...

Dear Readers,

In light of my sister telling that my blog is boring I am officially launching the "Blogstrong" campaign against boring blogs. The campaign involves me telling anyone who dislikes my blog to "eat shit and die".

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Bar talk...

Dear Readers,

I was a bar last night (we'll call it "The Usual Place") and I overheard some things that I would likely have great difficulty overhearing in, say, a library:

"...seriously, it says 'Fuck you!' when you turn it on... Fucking cellphone!"

"Where did this pen come from? Where do all these fucking pens come from?"

"Fuck she's horny, ain't she? Here, try the banana drink!"

"No, I'll get whisky dink... better than whisky cunt... C U Next Tuesday!!!"

What's the craziest/funniest thing you've ever heard in a bar?

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

In the beginning...

Dear Readers,

So I figure it's finally time for the great James Scott Buchanan to get a blog. Credit is due to chocolate fetus of oxynova.com for suggesting blogger.com as an acceptable starting place.

This entry is being written as I eat President's Choice trans fat-free microwave popcorn, and guzzle A&W Rootbeer.

Current emotions are happy, followed by sad; I get to go to the neighbours' cabin tomorrow, my sort-of ex-girlfriend is far away and having fun without me.

All for now; I will write again once I form an opinion on something (I have observed that most good blogs revolve around opinions).

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan