The abstraction of J. S. Buchanan

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30 August 2005

Alex MacPherson = Dirty Sanchez

Dear Readers,

Afraid of the repercussions should someone find out what he said about kicking the shit out of Dwight Young, Alex MacPherson (my good pilot buddy mentioned in the post "Holy War") has asked that I edit his name out of the post. This seems like an awful lot of work to deal with such a small issue of personal safety. Accordingly, my solution will be to refer to Alex MacPherson as "Dirty Sanchez" in all future posts concerning him. Please take note of this change.

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan

Satan's Toaster

Dear Readers,

My parents got a new toaster this week. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the old one; it was just 30 years old. The new toaster is computer-controlled. It has special buttons for pastries, bagels and frozen bread. If I wanted to toast frozen bread in the old toaster, I could, without pissing it off. If I try to toast frozen bread on the “normal” setting in the new toaster, the digital display instructs me to press the “frozen” button. What I don’t get is this: if the toaster is smart enough to know that I’m trying to toast frozen bread, why the hell doesn’t it push the “frozen” button for me?!? Next thing you know, the kitchen sink will be harassing me because I left the water running. Of course, it would never think to turn itself off. Piece of shit!

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan

29 August 2005

Death eludes me...

Dear Readers,

Fuck am I ever sick. I seriously feel like I'm gonna fucking die. Despite the formidable blitzkrieg the streptococcus bacteria is waging on my system, I am going to go to work tomorrow--because that's just the kind of guy I am. I also only have two days left before I give up my courier career for school. I pity, however, the poor bastard new guy who has to ride along with me tomorrow, because odds are, with all my hacking, he's gonna get Strep Throat too.

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan

28 August 2005

The United Alberta Emerates

Dear Readers,

Now Alberta is poised to reap the biggest bonanza in its history, an economic jackpot giant enough to fundamentally shift the balance of wealth and power westward. The province can control its own destiny more than any other because, in the years to come, Canada will need Alberta far more than Alberta will need the rest of Canada. What remains to be seen is whether the gift of the oil sands will secure the country's prosperity for generations to come, or be the force that finally pushes the straining seams of federalism to their breaking point. - Macleans Magazine, 13 Jun 05

I am taking a fatalistic view of this one. I'm pretty sure we're all hella-fucked. I think that now would be a good time to abolish provincial boundaries and have only a Northern Canada (we'll call it "The Place Where Savages Eat Raw Meat"), and a Southern Canada (we'll call it "J. S. Buchananland"). That way J. S. Buchananland could reap the economic benefits of Alberta's oilsands without having to beg for transfer payments, and The Place Where Savages Eat Raw Meat could eat their raw meat in peace. Also, prostitution and marijuana should be legalized. Also, Stephen Harper dressing up as a cowboy should be banned (see Oxynova.com).

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan

Oh merciful death, my throat aches for thee...

Dear Readers,

I was diagnosed with Strep Throat this morning. Hopefully I will die before the pain gets much worse. Pray for me.

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan

23 August 2005

All hail Dwight!

Dear Readers,

I saw Sgt. Dwight Young today. He was walking the beat (or something similar) on 22nd St. East between 3rd and 4th Avenues. I would have waved but I was afraid that I might accidentally flip him off, which would have likely resulted in me getting arrested and subsequently police brutalised.

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan

22 August 2005

Masturbation is good...

Dear Readers,

I very firmly believe that regular masturbation is a very good thing, both for men and for women. The following paragraphs contain information on masturbation and several reason why I think it's so great.

Masturbation is defined as "Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse." What this means is touching, stroking or massaging the penis or clitoris until an orgasm is achieved. Some women also use stimulation of the vagina to masturbate. Men and women may also use sex toys to masturbate.

While it once was regarded as a perversion and a sign of a mental problem, masturbation now is regarded as a normal, healthy sexual activity that is pleasant, fulfilling, acceptable (except among fucking righties [who all do it, but just won't admit it]), and safe. It is a good way to experience sexual pleasure and can be done throughout life.

Just about everybody masturbates. In one national study, 95% of males and 89% of females reported that they have masturbated. I would assume that the respective remaining percentages are either lying, or have no hands.

Some religions and cultures oppose masturbation or even label it as sinful. These religions and cultures are fucking stupid. Telling kids that masturbation is bad can lead to guilt or shame about the behavior.

I would argue that masturbation can actually improve sexual health and relationships. By exploring your own body through masturbation, you can determine what is erotically pleasing to you and can share this with your partner. Some partners use mutual masturbation to discover techniques for a more satisfying sexual relationship and to add to their mutual intimacy.

Masturbation is exercise. Before and during orgasm, your heartrate increases. This is no different than what happens after a few minutes on a stairmaster. To really get your heart going, try masturbating while using the stairmaster.

Masturbation is also important practice for sex. Many people assume that they will just know how to have sex when the time comes. I do not believe this to be true. Both intercourse and orgasm must be learned, and masturbation is nature's way of teaching us.

In addition to feeling good, masturbation is a good way of relieving the sexual tension that can build up over time, especially for people without partners or whose partners are not willing or available for sex. Masturbation also is a safe sexual alternative for people who wish to avoid pregnancy and the dangers of sexually transmitted infections.

In closing, please masturbate often; I do.

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan

On Laughter-Silvered Wings...

Dear Readers,

While Dwight's plane was at the airshow, Dwight, as far as I could tell from my thorough searches, was not. I can only assume this is because he is afraid of me.

P&L,

J. S. Buchanan

21 August 2005

Holy War

Dear Readers,

I shaved my beard this morning. Granted, it was a rather flimsy excuse for a beard, (at least the right side was) but now it's gone. My main reason for laying it to rest is the fact that I'm going to the airshow today. Allow me to explain:

Yesterday I went to the airshow with my good pilot buddy Alex MacPherson. While we were there, we spied my sort-of ex-girlfriend's father, Dwight. Alex asked me if I wanted to go kick the shit out of Dwight. I said that I did, but that I wouldn't, because Dwight is a cop, and would have had me arrested, which, since I still want to get back together with his daughter, would have been bad. I have tickets for the airshow again today, so I'm going to go. While I'm there I will find Dwight so that I can talk to him, and try to get him to apologize for an unfortunate incident that occurred last Easter. During said incident, Dwight totally freaked out on me for doing the right thing, which was, incidentally, exactly what I was told to do. A few weeks after the incident, once I was allowed to see his daughter again, he had forgotten all about it, and acted like everything was fine. Well, everything's not fine! Dwight had absolutely no right to act the way he did, and the only reason I stood there and took it was to protect his daughter from what he might have done had I resisted his barrage of maniacal yelling. Anyway, the reason I shaved the beard is because Dwight doesn't like bearded people and I'd like to at least be able to come in with the upper hand.

So that's my story, I'll let you know how everything goes in my next post.

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan

20 August 2005

Bravo Chocolate Fetus

Dear Readers,

The quoted section below was taken from oxynova.com

The author really hits the nail on the head with this one.

"The problem with today's media is the utter and complete bias.
Today, there were two events, Boeing was donating a computer lab to a first nations technical institute, and the Opposition party leader (who was invited to this donation ceremony) held a press conference in regards to youth crime.

the media, naturally not wanting to report good news flocked to the Opposition leader who now suddenly is concerned with gang crime in low income neighborhoods. So instead of covering this donation ceremony, in which three NDP cabinet ministers and one MLA attended, they covered the Sask Party Leader, who declined an invitation, to grandstand about Gang Youth Crime. Furthermore, they are using the death of a 17 year old boy at a party to advance their agenda. What is equally disturbing is that this 17 year old boy who was killed was not even gang related, yet they try to make the connection, at least to the public, that it was.

The opposition sickens me, especially with their bandwagon public policy, only caring about social issues when the media reports on them. Crystal Meth, they only cared about when it was the big thing (ignoring that coke and alcohol are far more influential drugs in this province when it comes to addiction and substance abuse). They only care about Aboriginal youth Gang Crime when it happens, and above all offer no solutions when it comes to these complex social issues."

Peace & Love,

J. S. Buchanan

07 August 2005

TLOS by ALT...

Dear Readers,

If you have never had the pleasure of reading the works of Alfred Lord Tennyson you have never know true pleasure. My favourite of his many poems is "The Lady of Shallot", published in 1843.

The Lady of Shallot is a story about a woman who is in love with Sir Lancelot. Sir Lancelot, however, has the hots for Queen Guinevere. The Lady lives in Shallot Tower, and is under a curse where, under penalty of death, she can only see out her window by looking in a mirror. Anyway, Sir Lancelot ofter rides past her window, but doesn't know she exists because no one has ever seen her. The Lady falls more and more deeply in love with him, and finally, fearing she will die of a broken heart, looks out the window and suffers the consequences.

The Lady of Shallot is almost written as a play, complete with four acts. It is tremendously sad; reading it often brings me to tears. Here, in its glorious entirety, is The Lady of Shallot:

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And through the field the road run by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil'd,
Slide the heavy barges trail'd
By slow horses; and unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly;
Down to tower'd Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, " 'Tis the fairy
The Lady of Shalott."

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad
Goes by to tower'd Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armor rung
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, burning bright,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And around about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance --
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right --
The leaves upon her falling light --
Thro' the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And around the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

Sincerely,
J. S. Buchanan

06 August 2005

Grievous Harm

Dear Readers,

It was going to be amazing. In the wee hours of the morning on Sunday 14 August, Nathan Schneider and I were going to drive out to the Crown lands south of the Whitecap Reserve and take my 1985 Nissan Sentra off-roading.

The Sentra was too far gone for repairs to be economical, so I was going to destroy it, which would have been incredibly fun. We were going to videotape the whole thing with two digital camcorders and then make it into a hilarious movie called "Grievous Harm". I already have the script half-finished. Once the car had flown off a couple of sweet jumps, and was no longer operational, we were going to remove the plates, pry off the VIN number, and abandon it.

That was the plan, until today when I went out to start it (just in case the battery was dead or something), and I discovered that the starter had kicked the bucket. A replacement starter would be very expensive, and since the whole point of this exercise was to spend no money, we have called off the operation.

Nathan likely won't be nearly as disappointed as me, because as of right now he doesn't even know we were planning to do this, because he has been in Alberta for the past week, and I didn't get the chance to tell him before he left, because at the time the idea was still in its infancy.

I would still really like to complete Operation Grievous Harm with a different car, so I will be checking the classifieds in the coming weeks in case anything under $100 pops up.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

01 August 2005

Hmmm(2)...

Dear Readers,

While I don't trust the accuracy of the test that I took to get the below result, it did hit the nail on the head, so I pulled yet another cut-and-paste.


You are funky, outdoorsy, and down to earth.
While you may not be a total hippie...
You're definitely one of the most free spirited people around.

You are very impulsive - every day is a new adventure.
However, you do put some thought behind all your actions.
Still, you do tend to shock and offend people from time to time!



Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

If You Don't Like it...

Dear Readers,

...you can eat shit and die.

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.

You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.

You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.


Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Good ole' Blogthings...

Dear Readers,

I don't care for women as skinny as this one, but:

Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle.
But you may be ready in a couple of years.
You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment.
And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.


Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Hmmm...

Dear Readers,

So maybe I'm getting a little carried away with these cut-and-paste blog things, but who cares, they're fun and I like them. The latest one is as follows:
You are a Self-Discoverer

You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality.
Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine.
You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion.
You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans.

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Surplus Time?

Dear Readers,

I don't believe in having "too much time on your hands". It is the people who had "too much time on their hands" that have contributed the most to the world. Inventing telephones, curing diseases, and building crazy things out of pennies...

Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

Top 10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong...

Dear Readers,

Unabashedly stolen off some website that stole it off some other website:

1. Homosexuality is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still aren’t supposed to marry whites.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if homosexual marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Homosexual couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in North America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
Peace & Love,
J. S. Buchanan

I Thoroughly Enjoy Nigerian Spammers...

Dear Readers,

You are Larry Koffi.  You are director in charge auditing and collecting Union Togolaise De Banque Lome, Togo West Africa.  You came across $44.5 million of a dead person in your bank. You will give me 25% to be his NEXT OF KIN.  You like red jelly beans.
Which Nigerian spammer are You?


Sincerely,
J. S. Buchanan

I Don't Like Operating Systems...

Dear Readers,

You are Windows 95.  You look better than your older brother, but your communication skills are still lacking.  You start well, but often zone out.
Which OS are You?


Sincerely,
J. S. Buchanan

I Don't Like File Extensions...

Dear Readers,

You are .ppt  You present yourself well, but co-workers still find you bording and annoying.  Keep it brief and you'll be well-liked.
Which File Extension are You?


Sincerely,
J. S. Buchanan